⛔ What Are Limits?

Limits are the personal boundaries of what you will not (hard limit) or might (soft limit) engage in during BDSM play.

• Hard limits = a full-stop NO
• Soft limits = maybe, sometimes, under the right conditions

Example: “No blood” = hard limit. “I’m unsure about spanking with a cane” = soft limit.

💡 Why Limits Matter

• They protect emotional and physical well-being
• They build trust between partners
• They set the scene for consent
• They prevent trauma

Limits don’t mean “no fun.” They mean “fun without fear.”

☕ How to Discuss Limits Before Play

Before playing, do a check-in. You can:

• Use a yes/no/maybe checklist (e.g., Scarleteen’s list)
• Have an open conversation over coffee (kinky and caffeinated)
• Write out hard/soft limits on a shared doc or in a journal

Be honest. No one benefits from pretending to be into something you’re not.

🎭 Example Dialogue: Talking Limits IRL

Background: A and B are planning their first intense scene. They’re chatting through boundaries over tea.

A: Hey, before we jump into anything spicy, want to run through limits? Just to make sure we’re both comfy.

B: Definitely. I’ve never done impact play, so I’m curious—but also a little nervous.

A: That’s totally fair. How do you feel about spanking?

B: Spanking is a maybe—soft limit. But no canes yet. They scare me.

A: Got it. Canes are a hard no for now. Totally respected. What about restraints?

B: Rope’s okay, but I get claustrophobic if it’s too tight around my chest.

A: So, rope yes, but stay away from chest binding. Easy fix. What about names or dirty talk?

B: I’m cool with being called “good girl” or “baby,” but no name-calling or degradation stuff. That’s a hard limit for me.

A: Thanks for being clear. I’ll keep it sweet and respectful. Any emotional red zones?

B: Yeah—please avoid any “abandonment” themes. That stuff hits too close to home.

A: Thank you for telling me. Emotional safety is just as important as physical. If anything feels off during play, just say “yellow,” and I’ll check in immediately.

B: Perfect. And you? Any limits on your side?

A: Oh yeah—no feet stuff, no tickling, and please don’t surprise me with anything medical.

B: Noted. No tickles, toes, or thermometers. We’re off to a great start.

🧠 Common Limit Topics

• Physical: blood, needles, choking, pain levels
• Psychological: degradation, roleplay themes, humiliation
• Sexual: penetration, orgasm control, fluid play
• Logistical: public play, recording, third parties
• Emotional: relationship dynamics, aftercare needs

Just because it’s someone else’s turn-on doesn’t mean it has to be yours.

🔄 Limits Can Change

What’s a hard limit today may be a soft limit tomorrow—or vice versa.

Give yourself space to evolve. But never pressure someone to “get over” a limit. It’s called a limit for a reason.

Boundaries are sexy. Respecting them is even sexier.

🚩 Red Flags: When Limits Aren’t Respected

• “Come on, just try it once.”
• “You said no, but I thought you’d change your mind.”
• “You’re being too sensitive.”

Those are not misunderstandings. Those are violations.

Consent without respect for limits isn’t consent at all.

📚 Further Reading

• Scarleteen: Yes, No, Maybe So
• NCSF: Negotiation & Limits Tools
• The New Topping Book / The New Bottoming Book by Easton & Hardy